As Fate Would Have It...

July 31, 2008

This rain is not helping my current state of mind...

Office is currently playing some music to soften the sound of the rain splattering on the windows. As a creature of habit I rarely miss a beat in taking note of what's playing today, but everything seems like a distant buzzing noise that could not quite relate to my melancholy. No single song has yet been written to describe what I feel this very moment. Keri Noble would probably be the closest soundtrack to the heartbreak I feel.

Where to start...

Call me a hopeless romantic. I've believed all along that I was meant to save someone, be her knight in shining armor. It seems my choices of damsels in distress are much stronger and could've easily saved themselves, having no need of someone like me. Guess I'm more in need of saving compared to them.

I had a dream about you last night...
...When I woke up I wanted to call
And get it out of my head

I always knew that it wasn't right
To get involved with you...

...But now you seem like youre fine
Like you've moved on with your life
But I'd give anything to talk to you
And tell you I know I didn't treat you right...

Things have a way of happening too fast. Has it been more than a year? Should I have taken matters into my own hands? I've always been a firm believer in fate, but fate has been cruel to me. What consolation is there if all seems lost? After today, seeing her happy in the arms of another hit me hard. Surprisingly and irrationally hard. Is this what I think it is? It is not predictable and never was it rational, and yet I know I am being unfair. I didn't care for the circumstance nor the distance, even if it was 605 miles then or 9307 miles away even. I was so wrong. And I have no one to blame but myself for falling blindly to its depths.

"You'll feel better having said what you feel than having said nothing at all."

I just realized I suck at practicing what I preach.

August 4, 2008

Start of my week and the rain has not stopped. Its been five days and there's no respite from the weather nor from the jumble of thoughts that is my brain. I've tried rationalizing that things have a way of turning around, maybe even get my fairytale ending. But it seems like there's only an end to it, asking for more would only make things worse.

I got work to keep me busy. I will pick up my cues again soon. I will walk that Dark Road. I will take inspiration from this sad story. I will.

I didn't know if I would ever feel the same
The way I used to feel before you'd gone
I didn't know if the ache would ever go away
I only knew I had to go on...

Yesterday I was trying so hard not to cry
But today I feel fine...

Let it rain...

Toxic April... May... June and July...

Been away for quite some time, well at least from my blog. As the title states, I've been busy. Work has been extremely toxic these past couple of months. I was pretty much out of it, had to give some focus on work over a lot of what I consider more fun. ;)

Still working on three building projects since the start of the year, all of which have started to experience their own set of problems that takes up most of my time. Suffice it to say, it was toxic enough. Enough for me to look for every opportunity to escape from it all every way I can to stay sane. I've been looking forward to playing more tabletop gaming during weekends, which is kinda sad if you tend to miss a few weekends due to the occassional demands of work. Maybe I haven't been playing billiards as often as I would want to. Tried taking up the cue again after a long drought and I'm rusty. Very. It's time I challenge myself again.

It's been a toxic four months, with no signs of letting off just yet. I guess I just have try to endure it a little more.